I recently learned this easy but devastatingly effective technique and would like to teach it to you. You may think that it is dead easy to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth, but believe me, from my experience it is not. It takes great skill and dedication. This technique reduces a lot of the stress to a minimum, and gives the focus of the ostracism the impression that you can't be arsed with that shit.
So, if you can be arsed, follow these four easy steps and you too will be able to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth, and then you can go away and do something very, very enjoyable...because you will have earned it!
First, we need a quick warm-up session. This technique may be simple but it requires deep concentration.
OK?
So first, stand up and just put your arms straight down by your sides, palms facing forward. Now, slowly bend your elbows at the same time, and bring your hands up until you can touch your shoulders. Then let your hands drop down again. Repeat this 5 times.
Second, open your mouth, and very slowly move your tongue and jaw around making just one very daft sound of your choice. Do this for 10 seconds.
Third, and last, ask a friend to ask you five questions, but ignore them. Do not answer them.
OK. You are now ready.
Nervous? Don't be. You'll be ready in no time.
How to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth: Step 1
Lift your right hand up, palm facing up, and bring your fingers and thumb together as if you are about to hold a large orange. Now, slowly bring your right hand up to cover your right ear, thumb at the back (can you now see why we did that warm-up session?)
Do this 5 times.
Now do the same with your left hand...5 times.
After this take a short break of a minute or so to recover.
After that short break, the really hard bit: try to cover your ears at the same time. Repeat until you can do this successfully 5 times in succession.
OK? See. I told you it was easy but it requires great skill.
How to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth: Step 2
Now that we can cover our ears it is time to start to make really, really, really daft sounds.
First make this sound: WeeeoooWeeeoooWeeeoooWeeeoooWeeeoooWeeeooo
Second, this sound: LoooozhLoooozhLoooozhLoooozhLoooozhLoooozhLoooozh
Third, this sound: OolaOolaOolaOolaOolaOolaOolaOola
Fourth, this: ZhoowowZhoowowZhoowowZhoowowZhoowowZhoowow
Now, try to put these together in a random order.
OK?
Now take a short break and chat to your friends (but you can answer their questions). You are half way there!!!
How to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth: Step 3
Welcome back.
Hopefully that short break will have rested your brain, because the learning curve from now on is very, very steep.
I think we need a minute or two of meditation before we embark on this next step. I want you to close your eyes and think of a happy place. You are there, doing what you were doing. Empty your mind of everything else. Focus on the happy place. Now stay there until I say return.
...
Return now. Gently.
Now, I'll give you a minute or two to figure out how to do this by yourself. I want you to be able to put your hands over your ears AND make at least one of those really daft sounds...BUT AT THE SAME TIME!!
I know. I'm a bastard. But you have got to learn yourself. I have given you the tools. You must learn how to use them. But believe me. It'll be worth it.
I'll give you 10 minutes. OK? Anyone who cannot do this must be asked to leave. So try really hard.
10 minutes. GO!!
[10 minutes later]
5-4-3-2-1.
Good. Now, I am impressed with all your progress. Some of you even took it to the next level and walked around the room while covering your ears and making really, really, really daft sounds. Very impressive!!
I think that we are all now ready for that final step.
How to put your hands over your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth: Step 4
Can you remember during the warm up session being told to ignore questions from a friend? Well, we are going to implement something very similar.
Can you pair up, please? Find a partner. You'll need a partner for this.
Are we paired up?
OK.
Now, in each pair one of you will be A and the other B. For the first half of this session, Person A will cover their ears and make really, really, really daft sounds, and may even show some initiative and walk away from Person B who will be telling Person A that the UK was invaded by a bunch of Venetians and they engineered World War 1 and 2 and want global population down to 1 billion. After 2 minutes you will swap roles.
And then you will be ready to go out into the big, wide world and cover your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth!!
Excited?
Well crack on with it!!
[4 minutes later]
OK! OK! You can stop now!
You can all give yourselves a big pat on the back!
Well done!
You can now be proud of yourself that you can now cover your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth!
You can now go away and do something really enjoyable because you earned it!!
As you leave you can collect your certificates from the desk next to the door.
But before you leave I would just like to remind you that what you have done today is just at ordinary level. There is an advanced level which involves being told that you may be able to stop all the wars and the headchopping and the kiddie-fiddling but you will still be able to maintain that I-can't-be-arsed attitude and still cover your ears, make really, really, really daft sounds and ostracise someone telling you the truth!!
Is anyone interested? It will stand out on your CV.
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