THE GREAT BRITISH MUG OFF

[The Great British Mug Off is a new TV show, a parody of The Great British Bake Off, in which ordinary members of the public are unwittingly filmed, via secret cameras illegally installed in their homes by proxy criminals for MI5, as they simply get on with their lives while the TV, radio and news channels play in the background, spewing propaganda and lies, lies, lies. However, there is also a running commentary from two 'experts' who make comments about the real truth behind the media lies which will show just how much of a mug each contestant is. Whoever is left sitting in front of the TV without questioning anything is the winner, and is awarded the prize so coveted by the British public, Mug of the Year. Nobody knows if cameras are in their homes so most members of the public assume there are and behave like mugs. The problem is that this show could go on for a very, very, very long time and may not produce one overall winner.]

TV Host (Jane) : Welcome to this week's Great British Mug Off. This week our mugs,..., er, contestants will attempt to cope with the daily grind and drudgery of their boring insignificant lives while their leaders (1) pretend to care about the consequences of war, and (2) whinge that leaks from a well known whistleblower are aiding the enemy while they aid that same enemy around the globe, currently in Syria.

Expert #1 (Martin) : Yes, welcome to what should be a cracking show this week, because of course it's Remembrance Sunday this weekend, which just on its own would provide hours of side-splitting laughter for us, the experts, watching our mugs take in all the pomp and bullshit when we know for a fact that all the major wars have all been engineered for the benefit of a handful of families, but in addition the heads of the spying agencies were in front of a committee of MPs just a few days ago. And Dave, you were there, in the room, and from what you were telling me earlier before the show it sounds like it was one of the funniest things you had ever seen. I wish I had been there.

Expert #2 (Dave): Yes. Hello Martin. Hello Jane. But most of all, hello to all our viewers. Yes. It was hilarious. I don't know how the chiefs kept their faces straight as they accused Ed Snowden of aiding the enemy, i.e. al Qaeda, when, as you know, we created al Qaeda, supported them, protected them through a Covenant of Security, and are currently allied with them in Syria, allowing extremist preachers to beg Muslims to go to Syria and fight a Jihad against President Assad providing more meat for the terrorist grinder over there.

Martin : Succinctly put, Dave! And here is our first mugoid, Peter, who loves to watch football, supporting Crystal Palace for his sins (and as far we know there's a lot of them).

Dave : And, Martin, I believe his grandfather fought in North Africa against Rommel.

Jane : Which is why we selected Peter. Well, viewers. Sit back and enjoy Peter as we watch him watching the ceremony at The Cenotaph.

Dave : This is going to be a classic.

Martin : C'mon, Peter. Shout something at the TV!

Dave : He's not saying anything. He's just sitting there, watchi...

Jane : Wooagh. Hang on. Peter is standing up...he's saluting...and he's...Oh, you beauty! Peter is actually singing the national anthem!!

Martin : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaagh!

Jane : GO PETER, YOU MUG!

Dave : Peter is actually singing the national anthem! He is actually stood up, saluting the TV, and singing the national anthem! But what Peter doesn't know, just like 99% of the nation, is that the royal family actually engineered World War 1!

Jane : Yes. Dave, explain to our viewers, if you can through your hysterics!

Dave : I'll try. While he was Prince, King Edward VII created a series of treaties, called The Triple Entente, that would encircle Germany in war given the right conditions. And before this he persuaded his nephew Wilhelm, later Kaiser Wilhelm II, to dump Otto von Bismarck because Bismarck was an excellent diplomat and had correctly identified that the US Civil War had been engineered by the British to divide the United States into two, both smaller parts more controllable and reliant on British finance.

Martin : That's right. But old Abe printed his own money, so we whacked him.

Jane : But I thought Germany started World War 1?

Dave : Is there a camera installed in here watching you, Jane?

Martin : Haaa. Nice one, Dave. No, Jane, Germany did not start World War 1. Germany was tricked into invading Belgium. The King of England told Kaiser Wilhelm that Britain would not become involved in any war. This gave Germany the green light to declare war on Russia and then France, and then invade Belgium to take out Paris and neutralise France.

Dave : But as soon as Germany invaded Belgium, Sir Edward Grey, the British Foreign Secretary, demanded that Great Britain enforce an obscure treaty...

Martin : The 1839 Treaty of London...

Dave : Yes, which Britain did not need to enforce unilaterally, and Great Britain declared war on Germany. But, Martin, how did it get to that point?

Martin : Well, ...

Jane : I think I know this bit. Arch Duke Ferdinand had been condemned to death by the Freemasons,...

Dave : Ultimately controlled globally by a member of the British royal family. Peter, by the way, is still saluting, as David Cameron lays a wreathe...

Jane : OK. And Ferdinand also knew that, but he still went to Sarajevo, where he was attacked by a bunch of Freemasons, who at their trial admitted to receiving help and encouragement from Freemasons abroad.

Martin : Correctomundo, Jane. So the sequence of events is?

Jane : OK, bare with me. First, Bismarck was dumped. This allowed Prince Edward to create a series of alliances with Russia and France without Germany doing the same, or they did but it was too late. Then Freemasonry,...

Dave : Controlled by the British royals,...

Jane : Yes,...assassinated Ferdinand. Then the treaties arranged by Edward fell into place,...

Martin : No. Then King George V told Wilhelm that England wouldn't join in any war if there was one. So everyone declared war on everyone else, which then led to the treaties arranged by Edward to fall into place...

Jane : And then Sir Edward Grey demanded that Belgium be defended because of the Treaty of London, but Britain did not need to defend Belgium on its own.

Martin : BINGO!!

Dave : And that is World War 1 in a nutshell. OK Jane. What was the purpose of World War 1?

Jane : For the viewers, Peter has now sat down and is drinking what looks like a bottle of beer.

Dave : It'll probably be Bombardier.

Martin : Or Lancaster Bomber!

Dave : Ha haa.

Jane : The purpose of World War 1 was to create a world government that Britain and its allies, victorious after the war, would control.

Dave : But?

Jane : But America didn't join.

Martin : So?

Jane : So world war 2 was engineered.

Dave : The fucking mugs. What won't they accept? World War 1? They hated it that much that 20 years later they had another one!

Martin : And only a few small protests at bailing out the banks? I can't wait for the bail-ins.

Dave : I've got champagne on ice ready for that one, Martin.

Jane : Peter has now opened a second bottle of beer, and put on some music. What is that music, guys?

Dave : I Predict a Riot by Kaiser Chiefs?

Martin : Hahahahaa! No. That's Entertainment by The Jam.

Jane : Well, viewers. That was Peter, our Mugoid of the Week. Certainly a contestant for Mug of the Year, I'm sure you'll agree. You can't be much more of a mug than singing the national anthem as David Cameron lays a wreathe at The Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday. David. Martin. Thanks as always for your input.

Martin : We'll be out of a job soon if you continue like that. I've had a really good laugh, and look forward to next week.

Dave : Me too. I'm off to raise a glass, and toast our Mugoid of the Week, Peter!

Jane : Cheers! See you next week.